My Censored Article

In my previous blog entry, I paid homage to my censored article. Riddled with satire, revelry, and provocation, I conjured up some very strong reactions, both good and bad, in the student body and faculty. In fact, my math teacher was also the high school basketball coach and got upset at me (you'll see what I mean when you read below). I wish I could have re-emphasized that the article was based primarily on my poll results.

As always, your comments are welcome. Please tell me why you may or may not think the school's administration was justified in recalling the newspaper.

Have a splendid day!

Jason


Spanish Fork Persecution
What bothers students most!

Jason’s Jargon
By Jason Ray Lundell
(c) 1994 Lundell Enterprises

WARNING: Due to the sensitive nature of the following material, the SF Surgeon General advises that those with serious heart conditions, digestive disorders, weak constitutions, or yellow teeth, must not—I repeat—must not read the following!

SUB-WARNING: Because of its scandalous nature, Dooby (better known as Dave Esplin—our splendid student body pres) has asked me (or kinda threatened me) to not blabber deleteriously about our school spirit (as if we had any).

SUBWAY-WARNING: In doing Dave a favor, I will not say anything as such. Therefore, if anyone gets the crazy idea that I’m saying we have no school pride or spirit, Davey Boy will personally send out for you!

Top 10 things wrong with the school in the students’ eyes:

10 – “No Hats” Policy: Common responses: “It’s dumb. It’s stupid.” Hats are still and probably always will be a Top 10 problem for students.

9 – Assemblies: “Not enough,” or they’re “too dumb.” Many have stated that during pep assemblies, we should be allowed to get rowdy, shout, and have full-class competitions, not just competitions between a few representatives from each class. An egotistical sub-intellect stated proudly, “I hate the assemblies being in the afternoon.”

8 – Single-Minded Coaches: Coaches who can only coach, but who don’t have any real teaching skills. Floods of responses came in saying they hate it when a teacher is hired as a coach and then doesn’t focus on his classes.

7 – Bud’s clipboard: The administration has finally decided to crack down on the truancy problems in this school. Students express that this idea “sucks!”

6 – Time: Students want more time to get to class and less time in class. Some have also announced that they want A and B days like Payson.

5 (golden rings) – Bathrooms: “They’re disgusting!” Our bathrooms need to have cleaner mirrors, bigger sheets of toilet paper (or better yet, how about toilet paper rolls), soap, air fresheners, and an atmosphere you can really concentrate in.

4 (calling birds) – Victory dances: Billions of students (well, not that many) said we need more dances, longer dances, and security needs to tighten up on letting drunks attend these magnificent social gatherings.

3 (french hens) – Our “beloved” U Policy: Students seem to be outraged at the decision to keep them from graduating just because of a few U’s. Plus, as other have commented, some teachers appear to be taking advantage of the policy to get at students they don’t like—four tardies and you’re almost guaranteed a U. The U Policy nearly made it all the way to #2 on the list!

2 (turtle doves) – Lunch: Chow time is just too short! “We need more time to hork down our food and chat with friends!” said an anonymous socialite, who apparently doesn’t know his fork from his shovel.

1 (partridge in a pear tree) – The Biggie: “We need more water fountains!” (Just kidding!) Actually, the number one concern among students is parking—parking in general! Students have a number of complaints in this area:

* Absolutely no place to park!
* Senior Honor is too dang expensive.
* Disgust with the “grizzly gang” that hangs out at the ever-so-cherished North Parking Lot.
* Parking tags (that identify those who park in the wrong place).
* Or basically anything that involves parking.

So, now we know what bothers students the most. What bothers me the most is the following:

It’s clear to me that the students may know what they’re talking about—but they just don’t know how to articulate their emotional responses to issues that are too complex for their shallow minds to fully fathom. As I see it, the main problem at the school is diction and usage—for you juniors, that means correct rhetoric and grammar—for you there sophomores, it means “to taalk gud.”

For hundreds of years, the Greeks and Romans ran rhetoric schools that taught people how to speak and write correctly and persuasively on important community issues. They would have been appalled at the modern focus in writing on organization and definition, which allows discussion of trivial issues, so long as they are well organized and well defined.

What this survey really reveals is that students at Spanish Fork High School could stand to learn a thing or two from the ancient orators. They could learn how to distinguish between trivial issues and important ones. They could learn how to come up with proposed solutions. They could learn how to argue persuasively to get their solutions implemented.

It seems like the only real skill many of them have developed so far is the ability to heave out that boring, ineffective, and oh-so-predictable grunt: “This sucks!” (Maybe we should make this the school slogan.)

Where will such a response get you in life? How can that solve anything at all?!? My cheap advice is for students to take their English skills more seriously so that they can express themselves more forcefully. They should take their math skills more seriously so that they can think more logically and solve problems more quickly. They should take their history skills more seriously so that they can be familiar with the current issues and acquire better judgment. And so on and so forth ad infinitum.

As long as our students content themselves with such shallow, unproductive responses to their problems, they will continue to live in their dark caves of discontent, hitting their heads against the wall and never achieving anything worthwhile. Amen.


(The article above originally appeared in the February 25, 1994 recalled issue of the Spaniard Sentinel, page 4.)